My "Rants" Page!
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TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH...
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't expect us to lie.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If we can put it up, you can put it down.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then we're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what
we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
science fiction, the shotgun pattern, monster trucks, or muscle cars.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes!
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on
the calendar.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good
at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments
become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but
not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Booze is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
...and what the heck is a doily really good for, anyway?
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WOMEN'S GUIDE TO DRIVING MEN CRAZY
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring up things that were said, done, or thought months, years, or even decades ago!
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Cry.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's 'You Oughta Know,' loud. Look at them. Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Cry.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess".
17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
20. Cry.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the 1st time you saw each other. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
23. Gather many female friends and dance to 'I Will Survive' while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
24. Correct their grammar.
25. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
26. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
27. Leave out the good parts in stories.
28. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
29. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
30. Declare that you are not wacko.
31. Criticize the way they dress.
32. Criticize the music they listen to.
33. Criticize their hair.
34. Ignore them. When asked, 'What's wrong?' tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
35. Try to change them.
36. Try to mold them.
37. Try to get them to dance.
38. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
39. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
40. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
41. Blame everything on PMS.
42. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
43. Whenever there is silence ask them, 'What are you thinking?'
44. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
45. Read into everything.
46. Cry.
47. Make it your goal to make them cry.
48. Cry.
49. Cry uncontrollably.
50. Cry loudly, uncontrollably, & hysterically, for hours on end.
51. When they're right, never remember.
52. Whey they're wrong, never forget.
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SCREWED BY THE COPS AGAIN!
Few things in life are more unjust than being punished for something that is totally beyond one's control, however that's exactly what happened to me in the early morning hours of August 4th, 2007, while driving through the state of Georgia.
It was 5:30 a.m. I was driving my pickup truck & towing a trailer. Since it was still dark out, I was driving exactly 5 m.p.h. below the posted speed limit of 55. In spite of this, I didn't see the stop sign until the last second. There was no flashing light to warn of the impending intersection, & the road I was on was coming to a "T", where I would have to turn left or right. Although I was able to slam on the brakes BEFORE I actually reached the stop sign, it was too late to stop in time, especially with the weight of the trailer pushing me. I skidded across the intersection, off of the other side & into a tree.
The truck was a total loss. Due to the trailer I was towing, even the rear end of the truck was wrecked. Fortunately, I didn't hit anyone else, no property damage was done, & my passenger & I were both unharmed, as we were both wearing seat belts.
Help finally arrived in the form of the Georgia State Police & a tow-truck. The tow-truck driver proceeded to pull my truck out & load it up, informing me that it would cost me "only" $100 to get it back!
Then, the cop decided he had to write me a citation for disregarding a stop sign! I was stunned! It was obvious to a blind fool that I had TRIED to stop! The skid marks started well BEFORE the stop sign & continued through the intersection. I explained to him that I had TRIED to stop, but my plea fell on deaf ears. He was already well aware of this anyway, as he had already measured the skid marks himself! All he could see was the chance to write another citation, apparently to add another mark to his tally for the month! The fact that I had already lost my truck, incurred $100 in wrecker expenses, & was now stranded in the state of Georgia, nearly 150 miles from home, apparently made no difference to this gung-ho cop. He had to punish me even further with a citation that ended up costing me $95 more! Talk about getting kicked when you're down! Was it really necessary to punish me over something that I had absolutely no control over? Hadn't I suffered enough?
Apparently, it is the policy of the G.S.P. to punish EVERYONE, every chance they get, regardless of circumstance. When the old slogan "To Protect & Serve" comes to mind, I wonder, who exactly are they "serving"? Obviously, the state, (more revenues) & themselves (more citations on their monthly quota).
Events like this, where cops victimize the innocent, are the very types of events that make normal, decent, law-abiding citizens HATE cops, & it makes me definitely want to stay away from Georgia, where the policy is apparently, "SCREW EVERYBODY TO PROTECT & SERVE"!
Joey Wallace
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A LETTER TO "LOWES"
I would like to relate to you, a somewhat typical shopping experience at our local “Lowes” store. Recently, I decided to order four sheets of 4x8 vinyl privacy lattice. Arriving at Lowes, I proceeded to a check-out register, assuming this would be the logical place to order and pay for said merchandise.
After waiting through line #1, I arrived at the register, only to be told that she did not handle such transactions, and I must see the “man at the computer” at the commercial sales desk. After waiting through line #2, I arrived at the “man at the computer”, only to be told that he did not handle such transactions, and I must see “Danny” at the register. (Still at the commercial sales desk.) After waiting through line #3, I arrived at “Danny”, only to be told that he did not handle such transactions, and I must see the man at the regular check-out register. (Still at the commercial sales desk.) After waiting through line #4, I arrived at the register, only to be told that he did not handle such transactions, and I must see “Danny” at the same commercial sales desk. After waiting through line #5, (previously line #3) I arrived at “Danny”. (Again!) By now I was very frustrated and somewhat irate. I expressed to Danny, my extreme dissatisfaction with Lowes’ policy of dealing with a simple order. It was very obvious that none of the employees wanted to deal with placing the order for me, and that each one was simply trying to pawn the work off on the next one. Now, he was suddenly able to handle the transaction after all, my order was finally placed, I paid for it in advance, and my wonderful day at Lowes was over.
It would be well over two weeks before I would hear from Lowes, regarding the order that was supposed to arrive in ten days or less.
Arriving at Lowes, I proceeded to the information desk, assuming this would be the logical place to start. After waiting through line #1, I arrived at the information desk, and was told to proceed to the commercial sales check-out register. After waiting through line #2, I arrived at the commercial sales check-out register, some paper work was done, and I was told to proceed to the customer service (what a joke) desk, for a “pink slip”. After waiting through line #3, I arrived at the "service" desk, where I received my “pink slip”, and was told to proceed “out back” to pick up my merchandise. “Oh joy!” I thought, “Finally, the big moment is at hand!” Upon arriving “out back”, and waiting through line #4, imagine my ultimate dismay, to discover that the lattice had been stored on a cart, ON EDGE, for several days, warping it beyond any possibility of use. The attendant agreed with me that it was totally unusable, and I was to return to “Danny” at the commercial sales desk. (See a pattern yet?) After waiting through line #5, I arrived at “Danny” again. At this time I requested a discount for all that I had been through, and the fact that said merchandise would now have to be re-ordered, with a subsequent 2-3 week wait. I was informed that I could have a discount on the damaged merchandise only. I informed Danny that the merchandise was unusable at ANY price. Still, my request for some type of compensation was flatly refused! Some paper work was done, and I was told to proceed to a regular check-out register, where a refund/rebuild would be performed. After waiting through line #6, (Yeah, I know, unbelievable!) I arrived at the register, where more paper work was done and I was merrily on my way!
In my opinion, events like this can only be attributed to very poor store management, however, due to this, and OTHER similar experiences at Lowes, I have concluded that having my teeth drilled would be preferable to shopping at Lowes. I have come to absolutely DETEST shopping at Lowes, and only do so when it is absolutely unavoidable!
I am, needless to say, very eagerly anticipating my return to Lowes for another exquisitely supreme shopping experience, when my merchandise finally arrives for the second time. I can’t help but wonder how many lines I will have to wait through, and how long it will take THIS time!
Your faithful Lowes customer,
Joey Wallace
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OPEN TO INTERPRETATION...
An English teacher passed out the following phrase to his class, asking each student to punctuate it properly: woman without her man is nothing
The girls' version: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
The guys' version: Woman without her man, is nothing!
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The Rules
1. The female ALWAYS makes the rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time, without prior notice.
3. No male may know all of The Rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male DOES know all of The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The female is NEVER wrong.
6. If the female IS wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the male must IMMEDIATELY apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at ANY time, for any or no apparent reason.
9. The male must NEVER change his mind, without express written consent from the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset, at ANY time, for any or no apparent reason.
11. The male must remain calm at ALL times, unless the female WANTS him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. No male may attempt to document The Rules.
14. If the female has PMS, all of The Rules become null and void.
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